


#pickericbittleup

by emilyshee



Series: Battle of the Blades AU [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Celebrity Crush AU, Gen, battle of the blades AU, falconers pr people need a raise, falconers tv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-13 00:11:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11748075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyshee/pseuds/emilyshee
Summary: Everyone has an opinion about Jack Zimmerman figure skating with another man on television.  Tater records his reaction in a Falconers' publicity video.





	#pickericbittleup

**Author's Note:**

> So this au takes place in around 2020 based on how I wanted the Olympics to fall out without changing Jack and Bitty's ages, so let's all agree to believe that by that year twitter hasn't changed substantially and none of the named Falconers have retired or been traded.

_Interior Falconers rink.  Alexei "Tater" Mashkov stands just just off the ice holding a camera in front of him in selfie-mode.  With his arm extended, the camera has a wide frame of Mashkov in his workout clothes and the empty ice behind him.  He is speaking directly into the camera._

Hello, Falconer TV!  Is favorite Falconer Alexei here!  How are you?  You having good time since last video?  Today, I am talking about current events!  Now, everyone hear big story about Zimmboni go on TV show, do pair skate with Eric Bittle.  Is big news!  But is also - _Tater brings the camera in closer for dramatic impact -_ **big mistake.**

_He returns to previous camera angle._

Now you know I love Zimmboni.  He is great player, great captain, great friend.  But - **can he pick people up?** _Tater raises both eyebrows as high as he can and pauses for emphasis.  The pause goes on just a little to long._ That one thing you never see Zimmboni do!  And now, he going to pick up **two-time Olympian** Eric Bittle and carry him around on hard, slippery ice?  Zimmboni great skater, but still - what if he drops Eric Bittle?  Big trouble!  Figure skater, whole body so important, even little pinkie break is problem. Hand not go in perfect position, lose performance score.   _Tater extends his free arm behind him in what is meant to be a dancer's pose, wrist bent and fingers slightly splayed.  It looks surprisingly good._

But me?  I am pick up sleeping rookies -  _jump cut to Tater cradling an unconscious rookie, barefoot and in pajamas, as he skates towards center ice where four of his teammates are carefully positioning a dorm-style bed.  A link to "Falconers TV:  Great Prank War of 2015" pops up on the bottom right cornier of the video -_ I am pick up a*&holes who foul on Snowy -  _jump cut to Tater lifting Kent Parson out of a scrum with one hand and shouting in his face -_ I am pick up teammates in celebration -  _jump cut to a celly where Tater threw his arms around Jack Zimmerman and lifted him from the ice in a mighty hug -_ **always** I am picking people up.  Obviously, I am the right person to be on show and be trusted with famous Olympian.

But we will stop this great injustice, yes?  You help!  OK, OK, OK, you all, Falconer TV, everyone watching right now, right?  You all tell Canadian network what big mistake they make, maybe can still change to right Falconer before filming start.  You all go on twitter, tell them right choice.  Hashtag! figureskatertater; hashtag! pickericbittleup.

You know this right decision.  My mother is **famous** Russian figure skater.  Artistry is in my blood.

_Cut to new scene.  The camera is now on some sort of tripod or stand, looking out over the ice.  Alexei Mashkov is showing off what are meant to be figure skating moves.  For this bit he has changed into his full hockey gear, including pads and a practice helmet.  It's very awkward, but it's unclear how much of that is lack of skill on Mashkov's part and how much is the hockey pads getting in the way of his flexibility.  His arms are very expressive.  He glides across the camera frame with one leg extended behind him.  Occasionally he gives the extended leg a jerk as if trying to achieve more lift despite the padding; this makes his whole body wobble.  When the glide is finished, he skates around for a bit with his arms swaying emotively before returning to center frame and attempting a single rotation spin with his head thrown back.  He loses balance and very nearly falls, but yanks himself upright again through what seems to be sheer force of will.  When he's standing steady, he throws both fists in the air a gesture of triumph.  He sprint-skates up to the camera and sticks his face in the lens, shouting_

I AM PLUSHENKO!!!!

 

 

_Follow up video.  Marty and Thridy are standing together, looking at a camera being held by an unseen third party.  Thirdy has his arms crossed and Marty's looking serious and stern._

Thirdy:  So by now you've all seen Tater's video trying to steal Jack's thunder by literally stealing his chance to try out being a pair skater.

Marty:  Someone in our PR department must have helped him edit that, eh?  Cause there's no way he would have spliced all that together if he had to do the work himself.

Thirdy:  And we have to admit, he made some pretty good points.

Marty:  But if you go back and watch that video again, you'll notice something missing, eh?  All those people he's picking up ...

Thirdy:  And none of them move.

Marty:  Cause they're all adults who know better than to do anything that might make the huge man picking them up let them fall.

Thirdy:  Now we're all professional athletes.  I don't think it's going too far to say that anyone on this team can lift enough that the difficulty in carrying around a grown man would not be an issue of weight.

Marty:  Bodies in motion, that's the tricky bit.  Carrying unevenly from one arm to the other, dealing with the weight shifting all around on you, that's the hard part.

Thirdy:  And figure skaters gotta move if they're gonna make all those graceful forms in the air.

Marty:  So the best experience for lifting up a figure skater is dealing with a wriggler.

Thirdy:  So if you're gonna make assumptions about who on this team would do a better job than Zimmerman - and there's no reason why you should, but if you're gonna - 

Marty & Thirdy together:  It's gotta be the dads.

_Marty and Thirdy both lean into the camera slightly as they say the last line, which they speak in unison.  They keep their serious faces throughout, but they look just proud enough of themselves for getting it right that you can tell they've practiced.  The video cuts to a montage of Marty and Thirdy hoisting their respective children into the air at various ages and sizes, skating them around the rink, throwing them up and catching them, putting them over their shoulders and carrying them away from a tantrum, letting the kids climb all over them.  Through all the scenes, the children never stop moving._

_The video returns to Marty and Thirdy in the present._

Marty & Thirdy together:  Hashtag, dadsliftbetter; hashtag, pickericbittleup

_Marty and Thirdy are less in unison this time, but still understandable.  They make the hashtag symbol with their fingers as they're talking; it's clear that they think they're being cool._

* * *

Tater's PR video goes live the day after Jack's participation in the show is announced; Marty's and Thirdy's hits two days later.  Both go somewhat viral (in the limited world of sports talk) and every talking head that wants to talk about it feels compelled to play clips from and discuss one or both videos as well.  The bullshit is thereby cut in half.

* * *

 

**Bonus:  Eric Bittle Responds (via twitter)**

Yes, I am aware of #pickericbittleup and the associated videos, y'all can stop sending me links.(1/2)

I only have one thing to say in response, which is: some of y'all are married.  You need to get your minds right.(2/2)

**Author's Note:**

> Tater knows some real figure skating from his mom, but he put on the pads because he didn't want to *really* show Zimmboni up, at least not before he even went on the show. But once he gets kicked off, all bets are off. They are Doing a figure skating Falconers Face-Off! and Tater is finally going to win one of those things. He's already practicing, OK, his mom is coaching him via skype.


End file.
